GUEST POST: I DISAPPROVE OF: WATER PARKS

By guest contributor: Peter "Venerial Disease" Daniel II

I would rather sit spinning on a lazy susan getting bukakke'd round robin by 200 men, than spend a day at a waterpark. Why, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Imagine floating down a lazy river in a rubber tube letting the ebbing tide carry you by ominous tufts of pubes and rogue cuntscabs precariously bobbing up and down, eager to pass on the infectious diseases within.

Or queuing for the aptly named "black hole" - that waterslide which affords riders the sensation of being a turd getting flushed down a demented toilet. How poetic a pleasure: experiencing first hand the fleeting and ephemeral voyage of feces.

Next we'll get in line for the big plunge. Too bad we're stuck staring at the hairy, speedo-clad ass of the paleolithic behemoth in front of us. We then catch a (not so rare) glimpse of the consequences of inbreeding when our eyes affix themselves on a snaggle-toothed troglodyte dancing the stanky leg in a gold bikini. And let me tell yall butterbeans - the stank of THAT leg could choke a hippo.

Accidental enemas via aqua-bazooka. Clandestine uric releases. Enough soggy bandaids and tampons to clog the Hoover Dam. Such are the delights of the waterpark, an appalling frock of filth in which I'd rather not partake.

I Disapprove of: SMOKERS THAT LECTURE ME ABOUT MY HEALTH

I once went to lunch with a boy whom I was interested in at the time; we were sitting on a patio, enjoying the summer weather, when our server came by to start us off with some drinks. I ordered a diet coke, He looked at me with a concerned face, a cigarette pursed between his lips (he was on his 3rd since we sat down) and said "wow, that's really bad for you, enjoy your Altzheimer's disease." ....are you fucking kidding me?! first of all, YOU'RE A HEAVY SMOKER. Second of all, I would have to drink a shitload of soda per-day; at least 6-10 cans to be sick, and its far more likely I would develope pancreatic cancer than fucking Altzheimer's you yuppie, "natural tabbaco is so much better for me", narcisistic, retard-face-fuck!
I would say enjoy your lung cancer, but if you keep saying this THAT stupid to people then I think your fate will be coming to you a bit earlier than you may expect.

I Disapprove of: PEOPLE THAT USE SHOPPING BAGS FROM FANCY STORES FOR OTHER THINGS SO PEOPLE SEE WHERE THEY SHOP.

I remember when I was in middle school the popular girls (why were they even popular?!) would bring their lunches to school in Abercrombie and Fitch or Victoria's Secret bags, just so they could be all like "oooh emm gee, I have little mosquito bite boobies so I wear bras now". I realize that this was just a step on their staircase to slut-fuckery, but I've recently noticed that this trend has never really stopped. Obviously, if you went shopping and your on your way home or had to go to work straight after I understand, but if your lugging around a clearly worn Saks 5th ave paper bag or some bullshit from Macy's then, bitch, we got a problem. Its ridiculous how many times I get on the street car and some bitch... or even men, are carrying their laptop in their Holt Renfrew bag so people think they regularly shop there... NEWS FLASH: no one could give any less of a fuck where you shop, especially when they're on their way to work or where ever it is that they happen to be going. So stop it! Its really fucking pathetic, you might as well strip naked, tie a big red ribbon around your dirty bits and run around yelling "look at me! I'm a total attention whore!" In fact, I think I'd prefer that.